Crazy People Have Crazy Dreams

This is gonna get long-winded. And political, so if you lean to the right, or if you are easily offended by coarse language ... you may just want to skip it.

I've been having some crazy dreams lately. The kind you wake up from and feel "in the moment" still.

Yesterday, I woke up in heart-thumping terror, upset, heavy breathing, angry and afraid, because I dreamt I was pregnant again. Now, I realize how horrible that makes me sound, that being pregnant would be something to fear ... as a formerly infertile person who also experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, I feel terrible guilt over feeling this way. But at this point in my life - I'm in a parenting "valley" and I'm feeling old, and I don't want any more children. Moment of brutal honesty: I’m in a life “valley” at the moment and realizing I don’t have a great handle on a lot of things. But I definitely do not want any more new babies that I have to get up with in the middle of the night, change poopy diapers, pay for daycare, etc etc etc. I no longer get baby fever – I love to hold squishy babies, I love babies in general, but I don’t want anymore of my own, thankyouverymuch.  Also: I'm, like, 100% fixed, so it would also be impossible - so I was angry that my two surgical sterilization procedures had failed, in my dream. Like, rage-y angry. So, so angry.

It was easy to analyze this dream, however, as there is a new baby puppy coming to our house in March.  John’s getting a hunting dog, and I’m terrified of having a new baby puppy again.  So this dream, however much it amused me, has its roots in real feelings of mine – anxiety about the puppy, about the sleepless nights puppyhood will bring us, about the financial strain of preparing for life with a new puppy again (we have a dog, but we adopted him when he was already housebroken and had gone through most of the vet checks, etc).  And perhaps even the anger is rooted in reality: I’m not angry about the dog itself, but I supposed I’m not thrilled about all the time John will be spending training the dog for hunting, and thus away from the kids and me. Not proud of my feelings, but they are what they are … and it’s not a deal-breaker and in the end, all will be well, and I’ll love the dog completely because he will probably be adorable and I will get snuggles and love and giggles over his puppy antics, and all the things I love about dogs.

This morning, I woke up also fired up, but in a happy, victorious sort of way. I couldn't get back to sleep, in fact, because I was laughing at the sheer implausibility of my dream, the ridiculousness of it all. I was invited to a Trump event – and it gets ridiculous and implausible right off the bat, here, folks: it was a discussion to which Trump was inviting Liberals, to help him learn how to be a kinder President. Basically, it was a focus group, for marketing research. So I get there, and he’s sitting not on a stage, but just in the front of a few rows of chairs, and all my liberal friends are there. We greet one another and chat about the craziness of what is happening. And we joke about how the event was being held in Alumni Hall at Gustavus; this is a tiny bit ironic, because this facility is adorned with paintings of previous Nobel Prize winners. Regardless of your thoughts about President Trump, I think it’s safe to say that he’ll never be enshrined on those walls.  Anyways, the event started with an explanation from Sean Spicer (with sourface Sarah Sanders in the background) that DJT really wants to try to improve relations with all citizens, not just the right-wingers, etc.  He wants people to understand that he’s not a “fill-in-the-blank-ist.” Also, some rules: we are not allowed to call DJT a racist, sexist, homophobe, etc. Simply not tolerated. (Isn’t it ironic? Don’tcha’ think?) So DJT opens the official event with some very brief remarks about how his popularity isn’t important, but his ability to reach people is, and as his popularity continues to decline, so does his ability to reach people. And that is why he has chosen St. Peter, MN, a small town known for being liberal, and Gustavus Adolphus College, also well-known to be a bastion of liberal ideals, as the first Presidential focus group (“first, but also the very best!”). Now, I’m there out of sheer curiosity, not because I honestly believe that this is a sincere effort by the President to actually engage anyone – it’s all about his ego and his numbers and this is simply an attempt to increase the numbers and provide a photo op so he can say “oh, I tried, but those mean liberals …”  So I’m clearly biased against the experience already, and judging by the amused looks on all my friends’ faces, so are they.  The format of the event is that Spicer asks our opinions on certain aspects of DJT and his policies, and we have a brief comment period.  It quickly devolves into exactly what you think – Donnie John the man-child is who we are dealing with, and he interrupts our comments to defend himself and let us know we are wrong. While looking us up and down and (in my opinion) giving us each a physical score in his brain (6, I hate her glasses; 1, she’s too mousy; sub-zero, she’s a disgusting fat-ass, etc etc etc). There is much frustration in the room, but we are all trying our best to remain neutral and use kind words. Simple words that even he could understand, and which were not ambiguous or in any way led him to believe we agreed with him in any way. Yes, it is difficult. Finally, I am called upon to explain my very low rating on the question “Do you believe the President cares for the well-being of all Americans?” While I wanted myself to scream “HELL NO!” I calmly stated that I felt the President’s tax plan, comments regarding minorities, support of homophobic policies, treatment of women, and his healthcare plans all solidify in my mind that he has no respect for anyone who isn’t a billionaire; he is completely out of touch with the changing views of America – even Republicans are not all steadfast anti-gay/anti-minority/anti-healthcare as they once were. But mostly, his views show me that he caters to a certain base of people, and doesn’t care about helping Americans better their lives, that he and his cabinet are intolerant of those who are different from them. I chose my words carefully, so as to not to hurl direct insults at him. It was sooooo hard, people! SO HARD! (that’s what she said!). My most careful line was “It feels that there is bigotry and intolerance being written into law.”  Donald made his scoffs and pucker faces, but for the most part didn’t interrupt my rambling. When I was finished, however, he made a face just like Alec Baldwin when he’s playing Trump on SNL and said “You forgot to say ‘intolerant’ – isn’t that a favorite word of liberal elites like yourself?” 

And I lost it. I stood up and screamed “You, sir, are a DUMBASS. I said it twice, you blithering idiot.  DON’T YOU KNOW THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE? Seek first to understand, then to be understood. You don’t even listen, you only think about the next thing you’re going to say!” And he fired backed “I believe my success proves I’m highly effective.”  And I retorted “You may have been a successful business person, but you are the most ineffective leader I’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. You, sir, are a dumbass and you will be the ruination of this country! America was a far greater country before you and your minions ever got your greedy hands on it, and it won’t be great again until you’re long gone. You’re an idiot, a racist, a sexist, a homophobic orange skinned MORON who doesn’t deserve the title of President, and certainly doesn’t understand the responsibilities with which you are tasked. You only care about winning, and keeping the little people down. Quite frankly, I hate your policies, I hate your cabinet, and I hate you. You are a moron and a gigantic orange asshole! Your mouth even looks like an actual asshole, and it proves that you are one because the only thing that ever comes out of it is shit.” And I walked out. On the President of the United States.

And I woke up feeling … good. And victorious. And supremely confident. And also before the obvious viral video of my actions leaked to the world.  Ha ha. 

I also did feel a little bit terrible, if I’m being honest, because I know I would never do this in real life, even if presented the opportunity.

But I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I had this dream on this night. We don’t talk politics in our house, because John doesn’t enjoy it (honestly have no idea what side he leans to, politically) and I don’t check the news before bed anymore because it makes me anxious and keeps me up at night – and I don’t recall having really read much news throughout the day. So is it just my subconscious, wanting to get it all out?  But that doesn’t make much sense, either, because, let’s face it, I’m not good at editing my thoughts on a daily basis – my FB feed proves that J. It’s a mystery. But one that delights me and warms my liberal heart on this chilly MN morning.